Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I am in mood for ranting

I haven't make any posts about me being trans. Actually, until recently I wasn't even thinking of it too intensely. It was like I knew I am what I am, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I went to some sort of truce with it. I wasn't thinking of it or even discuss it, because it was painful for me. But I continued to dress and act the way I feel I am, and that was it. I was trying to hide, but not struggling to pass either. I was at peace with it, somehow, even if in the background it was there, painful, like an animal lurking to grab its pray and destroy it.

I looked up the net a bit about it, but even that was painful, so I preferred to stay in some sort of "comfort" zone where no one thought or talked about it. And, of course, alone. In all my relationships, longer or shorter, I felt alone. Because I knew how no one would understand. How painful it would be to me to see someone that I cared of, in one way or another, proving to be an intolerant idiot.

I got to spend more time in trans-orientated sites, communities, blogs etc. I saw a lot and I have to see like 1000x more, but I still feel like I have to draw some conclusions.

I learned a lot from these places, and also they got me confused a lot. For example, I didn't know until then about the gay transguys. I didn't think it would be possible to exist. In the same time, this confuses me. As a trans guy, I am straight. I always have been attracted to women, I always liked them, but not as a woman would, but like a straight cisguy does.  Somehow, transitioning to become a guy and then going to bed with other guys intrigues me. I don't say it's wrong, or that such thing shouldn't be allowed. I know that being trans doesn't equal with your preferences in bed.

Also, there are all these sorts of nuances when come about gender, so what I thought should be somewhat the norm in being trans, my case, it is actually only one option in a wide spectrum.

In the same time, I don't want to consume my life over it. I want to lead a normal life, with the woman I love and to whom I'll marry, and not spend my days thinking of me being trans. Biomen or biowomen don't waste their days delving into themselves being men or women.

And I am still pondering about transitioning. I'm not happy with my body, but I don't want to damage it beyond repair and the "rewards" to be null or close to that. I don't want to start doing the irreversible and then have to stop mid-way. I know there aren't any guarantees, but I can't start anything until I get sure, myself, about certain aspects.

Ok, I stop here, I have things to do.


Herr Selbstzerstörer

Latest Month

May 2010
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow